Not making this up, there’s this new conspiracy theory I just made up that Jeffrey Epstein was the second-coming of Jesus. Back again, to expose the sin. You laugh, but like Arby’s, I have the meats — and the receipts.
Here’s the proof:
St. James was the first disciple to join Jesus. He was brother of John. Jesus called the brothers the Boanerges — Greek for “Sons of Thunder” and origin of the word “boner”*.
Little St. James is the official name of Epstein Island.
Because Epstein loved little.
Jesus loved little, too — he had nothing.
Jesus was a Jew.
Epstein was a Jew.
Epstein was circumcised 8 days after his birth.
Jesus was circumcised 8 days after his birth.
Both had penises and statistically, *boners.
Both traveled with prostitutes.
Both loved the children.
Epstein was accused, arrested, and publicly humiliated.
Jesus was accused, arrested, and publicly humiliated.
Jesus was crucified at 33 and nailed to a cross.
Epstein went to jail more than 33 days after being nailed by indictments.
Jesus carried his cross to Golgotha
Epstein carried his state-issued bed sheets back to his cell in “Gotham”.
Both were hung from the thing they carried until they died.
Christian theology says Jesus didn’t come to save the innocent.
He came to expose sin.
Epstein exposed sin.
Who exposes sin better than a monster everyone agrees is a monster? If Jesus returned today, do you really think he’d come back as a glowing carpenter?
Or would he come back as the most hated man on earth, forcing humanity to confront its own complicity?
Even in death Epstein continues to expose sin.
In fact, who has exposed more sin recently than Epstein?
Not Jesus
Unless… Epstein was Jesus.
What if he was?
I mean, crazier shit has happened in The Bible.
You have no proof he wasn’t.
—P.
Featured Image: JEspteinSmokingCo, Jeffrey Epstein Jesus Art Print, 2026
