THE HOLY SEE — There are questions people have that they pretend not to have because they don’t want to sound juvenile, vulgar, or like the kind of person who spends too much time thinking about priests and Sydney Sweeney. But they have them. I had one myself, and instead of sitting here holding my balls, wondering, I did what any serious journalist would do. I called a priest.

Not to ask about God, death, or the state of my immortal soul. I wanted to know something practical. What does a priest do when he’s watching a movie and, out of nowhere, two people start having sex on a kitchen counter? What happens when a pair of titties suddenly appear on screen? Does he look away? Does he close his eyes and say a prayer and just listen until the scene sounds over? Does he fast-forward like a man disarming a bomb? Or does he just sit there and watch it, and if so, how exactly does a priest watch Sydney Sweeney topless without his entire spiritual operating system needing a reboot?

So I asked.