DIRTY MINDS WANT TO KNOW
DO PRIESTS LOOK AWAY?
A HOLY SCREW INTERVIEW


What Happens When a Priest Sees Sydney Sweeney’s Tits

THE HOLY SEE — There are questions people have that they pretend not to have because they don’t want to sound juvenile, vulgar, or like the kind of person who spends too much time thinking about priests and Sydney Sweeney. But they have them. I had one myself, and instead of sitting here holding my balls, wondering, I did what any serious journalist would do. I called a priest.

Not to ask about God, death, or the state of my immortal soul. I wanted to know something practical. What does a priest do when he’s watching a movie and, out of nowhere, two people start having sex on a kitchen counter? What happens when a pair of titties suddenly appear on screen? Does he look away? Does he close his eyes and say a prayer and just listen until the scene sounds over? Does he fast-forward like a man disarming a bomb? Or does he just sit there and watch it, and if so, how exactly does a priest watch Sydney Sweeney topless without his entire spiritual operating system needing a reboot?

So I asked.


SHIT PHIL SAYS
AIN'T LOOKIN' FOR NOTHIN'
(BUT A GOOD TIME)


Auto Draft

NEW YORK — There was a time, not that long ago, when people could do stupid, sexy, reckless things without a committee showing up afterward to explain what had gone wrong. A girl could take her clothes off because she liked the way the room changed when she did. A guy could put on lipstick, heels, a dog collar, a feather boa, or nothing but bad intentions and call it a Saturday night. People drank, danced, flirted, lied, strutted, got paid, got laid, got weird, got lost in the music, and nobody needed to write a dissertation about the collapse of civilization before last call. Now every thrill comes with a diagnosis. Every wink needs a framework. Every little act of consensual chaos gets dragged into traffic and flattened beneath ten thousand pounds of theory. Nobody can just WANT anymore. Nobody can just PLAY. Somewhere along the line, pleasure stopped being pleasure and turned into evidence…


BackAlleyToonz'
WANDA'S BIG BOOTY
RIDES AGAIN!


Wanda’s Booty Rides Again

BOOTYLAND — After a grueling day, Wanda walks through the door, dropping her briefcase with a sigh of exhaustion. But the real welcome home awaits in the bedroom — a thick, pulsing erection ready to erase all stress from her mind…


FORGET ABOUT YOUR CAR
DUDES, HE BANGED YOUR MOMS!
(AND THEY LOVED IT!)


Dude, I Banged Your Mom!

FUCKSVILLE — Bullied wimp Elias got the ultimate revenge plan from ex-pornstar mentor Dee Williams: conquer his tormentors by seducing and dominating their hot MILF moms. Through Dee’s intense, hands-on training, Elias transformed into a sexual powerhouse ready to take on the toughest targets…


SHIT PHIL SAYS
Women Will Be Equal
When Religion is Stripped of Its Veto Power


Women Will Be Equal When Religion is Stripped of Its Voting Power

NEW YORK CITY — When it comes to equal rights, the left is as guilty as the right. A lot of the states that blocked the ERA may wear red hats now, but back in the ’70s and ’80s they were blue, run by Southern Democrats. Same folks, too. So spare me the cartoon that this is just a Republican problem. It is a control problem. It is a Southern problem. And a Northern problem. And a religion problem. The parties change colors, but the attitude stays the same: MY WOMAN DOES WHAT I SAY (*including when she votes).


THE ORIGIN OF PENIS:
PEEN ISLE
AND THE BIRTH OF DIRTY WORDS


PEEN ISLE, Coastal Territory — Researchers have reaffirmed what coastal historians, etymologists and local residents have long treated as settled fact: that Peen Isle, the phallic peninsula visible from the air and unmistakable in profile, is the original source of the word penile, from which both penis and peninsula were later derived, along with a host of other “dirty” words…


ABOUT US

SCREW is an adult culture and entertainment magazine covering sex news, satire, adult film reviews, celebrities, vintage erotica history, nightlife, and uncensored commentary. Founded in 1968 by Al Goldstein and revived for a digital audience by Phil Italiano, SCREW publishes original features, cultural criticism, event guides, and archival stories from the filth-and-free-speech tradition.