BY PHIL ITALIANO

For centuries the world of professional chess has been riddled with sex and scandal. Just kidding (obviously), though I can imagine it does have its share of hot, nerd-girl groupies and a few stories to go with it, unlike all those boring sports like football and wrastlin’. So imagine my surprise (and delight) when I read breaking news with both “chess” and “anal beads” in the headlines — it’s the stuff SCREW lives for! And the challenge of coming up with chess-based innuendoes for our own headline (and headings) is every SCREW publisher’s wet dream. “Innuendo,” by the way, is Italian for anal sex. Get it, in-you-endo? (I’m here all week.)

BY PHIL ITALIANO

I’m a product of the 80s and early 90s, the tail-end of what’s known as The Golden Era of Porn, a time when the smut flicks were as goofy and tacky and outrageous as our big hair and the funky clothes we wore. #AquaNet #ParachutePants. Watching a porn as a teenager was a right of passage, a major event for you and your friends like the Super Bowl is today. You snuck your dad’s Debbie Does Dallas VHS videotape out of your parents’ bedroom and brought it over to your friend’s house while his parents were out, where you and your buddies fast-forwarded to all the fuck scenes then pretended not to get excited out of fear of getting a boner in front of them and being called a “fag.” (Thinking back, that absolutely made no sense.) You were then careful to Be-Kind-And-Rewind it back to where it was so Dad didn’t know you watched it. (The porn movie equivalent of adding water to the vodka so they wouldn’t know you drank any.)