First off, no––I’m not paying you. Fuck that. It says, “shitty writers,” not, good ones. If I start seeing some traction from your work, yeah, I’ll start throwing you some bones, definitely, but until then––no! Forgetaboutit. You’ll get a SCREW byline to start, that’s it, and if you’re lucky, maybe a SCREW T-shirt, too.
Let me tell something… Since 1968, SCREW has served as a launching pad for dozens of “famous” writers and artists –– SCREW’s pages have been home to writers from Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse, National Lampoons, MAD Magazine, Cracked, The Atlantic, The New Yorker, Vice, NY Post, NY Times, Village Voice and more. Not to mention artists like Andy Warhol, R. Crumb, Spain Rodriguez, and Danny Helman, too. Fuck, even John Lennon –– yeah, the Beatle –– has contributed more than once. (He actually chose SCREW to debut his visual art.) Yeah, so maybe YOU should be paying ME for a byline. Just kidding. (Not really.)
For real though, I ain’t paying for shit right now –– I’m just getting this ship back out of the port after 17 years of collecting ball-stank in the third-world obscurity of my predecessor’s fall from grace. Give me a couple of months to build some capital back and I’ll be more than happy to start paying, provided of course you can actually compose something, albeit shitty as my ad suggests.
Currently, I’m primarily looking for Humor – art/illustration and writing – as well as anything with an adult slant, that’s borderline obscene, that no one else would dare publish. That said, whatever it is, no one’s likely to pay you for it anyway, so you might as well at least take the SCREW byline to add to your repertoire.
Do your fucking homework, learn a little bit about who we are and what we’ve done over the past FIFTY-TWO YEARS, then if you got something you think I might be interested in, pitch me. NO, DO NOT SEND ME THE FINISHED WORK. Instead, query me like you would any other editor/publisher. Don’t be a dick. I might look like a stupid asshole loser pornographer publisher but I still have a little bit of integrity when it comes to how I run this shit – we may be dirty as fuck, but we’re still legit, “press.”
Well, I like to think so, anyway.
Submit your shit to me, Phil Autelitano, Publisher at email@example.com. And please, don’t fucking call me or hit me up on Facebook – don’t make me hate you before I ever read your work.