Let’s get something out of the way right now:
NO GROUP IN HUMAN HISTORY HAS BEHAVED MORE HOMOSEXUALLY THAN STRAIGHT MEN.
Not Greeks.
Not theater kids.
Not the cast of Queer Eye.
Not even the guys in West Hollywood who wear mesh tank tops with nothing underneath.
No — the true, undefeated, unchallenged champions of gay behavior are the dudes who swear they’re straight.
And if you think that’s slander, congratulations — you’re one of them.
THE BROMOSEXUAL FOUNDATION
Straight men build their entire lives around other men:
They go out with men.
They get drunk with men.
They cry only in front of men.
They won’t go to therapy, but they’ll watch football together in total silence like it’s emotional communion.
Ask a straight man where he was last night and he’ll say something like:
“Just hanging with the guys.”
Ask him why, and he’ll blink twice and say:
“Uh… because… that’s what we do.”
One might call this “repressed fraternity energy.”
Another might call it “a symptom of intellectual cowardice.”
Yet another could call it “proof that God has a sense of humor and it’s filthy.”
Me? I just call it Monday Night Football.
Or Fantasy Football Foreplay.
Or Texas Hold ‘Em (because if you say “Hold ’Em” in a room full of straight guys, half of them perk up before they remember they’re “not into that.”)
THE STRAIGHT MALE LOVE LANGUAGE: COMPLIMENT INSULTS
Straight men don’t say nice things sincerely.
They disguise them behind personal attacks, like emotional drag queens. They project.
“Nice haircut, homo.”
“Bro, that shirt actually looks good on you, you fucking dildo.”
“Dude, if you think I’m paying for all these drinks, you’re suckin’ my dick.”
“Yo, shake it more than once, you’re playing with it!”
“Ok, whatever, blow me.”
It’s affection, weaponized.
It’s intimacy, run through a garbage disposal.
When two straight men roast each other for three hours in a driveway at 1AM, that is the closest thing they will ever experience to sex that doesn’t require cleanup.
THE LOCKER ROOM IS A GAY BAR WITH DIAL-UP LIGHTING
There is no scenario on Earth where straight men are gayer than in a locker room.
They walk around naked, scratching themselves, comparing muscles, pretending they’re not looking even though everyone is absolutely looking.
They slap asses with the intensity of medieval blacksmiths.
They talk about balls like sommeliers discussing pinot noir.
It is the world’s least sexy gay bar,
but by god, is it a gay bar.
Just add disco music to any locker room scene and you’ll see what I mean.
THE STRAIGHT MAN MARRIAGE LOOPHOLE
Straight men don’t marry women because they understand women.
They marry women because:
Women will tolerate them, and
They need a socially acceptable excuse to spend their actual emotional time with other men.
A straight married man’s life is:
Work with men
Commute listening to men
Watch sports played by men
Text memes to men
Play video games with men
Complain about everything… to men
Then collapse into bed next to a woman he loves but barely speaks to.
It’s not marriage.
It’s a cohabitated beard arrangement.
THE HOMOEROTIC WORSHIP OF MALE CELEBRITY BODIES
Straight men will loudly declare they’re straight —
then spend 45 minutes analyzing Chris Hemsworth’s arms like they’re on Antiques Roadshow.
“Not gay, but bro… look at the veins.”
Just sayin’.
THE STRAIGHT MALE SEXUAL PANIC LOOP
Straight men:
Do something extremely gay (wrestle, cuddle, slap asses, watch porn together)
Suddenly panic
Punch each other in the shoulder
Open another beer
Never discuss it again
It’s a ritual.
A dance.
A mating call for the emotionally crippled.
THE CONCLUSION NO STRAIGHT MAN WANTS TO HEAR
If aliens landed tomorrow and observed:
The hugging
The grappling
The hero worship
The emotional dependence
The shared porn
The sleepovers
The sports frenzy
The unspoken feelings
The silent loyalty
The ass-slapping
The deep, deep need for male validation
They’d conclude:
“These creatures are in a long-term group relationship.”
Straight men:
The gayest straight people who ever lived.
Fight me.
Naked, in the sauna — [Spins towel] — SNAP!
—P
