BY MEATMAN
I have a theory, plain and simple:
If human races had never mixed — if tribes and horny little empires had kept their dicks and wombs to themselves — every white woman on Earth would still be shaped like a breadstick.
Flat. Front to back.
Like a communion wafer with nipples.
This isn’t about shaming bodies or the magic of butt lifts. It’s about giving credit where credit’s due. Because that glorious, peach-plump white girl ass I see wedgied to all fuck by those yoga pants? That didn’t just happen. That’s genetic generosity. Ancient trade routes. Forbidden nights in silk tents and cargo ships full of stolen spices and even better secrets.
Somewhere, a brooding Dutch merchant couldn’t resist the sway of a West African goddess. A Sicilian soldier bent the knee — and then the waist — for a Moorish beauty. A Viking ended up balls-deep in North Africa and didn’t leave with gold, but left something else behind. Slowly, with each scandalous collision, the shape of the future changed.
It’s the triumph of history. Of human need outpacing human rules. Of evolution throwing a middle finger to racism, nationalism, and all the limp-dick ideas that try to stop people from getting it on.
It’s God’s own remix.
A multicultural symphony.
An ass-shaped monument to the power of getting laid across borders.
So, bless the mutts, praise the miscegenators, and all hail the high, round, obnoxiously-wedgied yet sinfully delicious, ethnically ambiguous ass that keeps this nation from falling apart.
—MM
