Welcome to Monkey Branching 101.
If you’re a narcissist, this is your survival manual. If you’re not—good. Read on, and you’ll recognize every trick in the playbook so you can avoid becoming the next branch for some self-absorbed asshole to latch onto.
Like every good narcissist, let’s not waste any time getting what we came for…
Step One: Always Keep a Backup
A good narcissist never leaves the bed cold. While you’re still “committed,” you’ll keep a side candidate warming up on the bench—maybe an old flame, a “just a friend,” or that barista who doesn’t realize she’s auditioning.
Reader Tip: If your partner is always “catching up” with exes, strangers, or online admirers, watch out. You might be the current branch, not the only one.
Step Two: Love-Bomb Like Crazy
Once you’ve got a target, it’s time for fireworks. Gifts, nonstop attention, declarations of “soulmate” status by week two. Lay it on so thick they can’t tell it’s bullshit.
Reader Tip: If someone comes on hotter than a Times Square hooker in July, it’s not romance—it’s recruitment.
Step Three: Devalue the Old Supply
While you’re hyping the new, start tearing down the old. Nitpick, withhold affection, and remind them how “unappreciated” you feel. It makes the final dump easier for you and soul-crushing for them.
Reader Tip: If your partner suddenly can’t stand anything you do, check their phone. Odds are they’ve already got someone else.
Step Four: Stir the Pot with Triangulation
What’s better than two lovers? Making them compete. Drop hints about admirers, casually name-drop your ex, or wave a “sexy text” in plain sight. It keeps everyone insecure and scrambling for your approval.
Reader Tip: If you’re stuck in a love triangle you didn’t sign up for, you’re not crazy—they are. Get out.
Step Five: Master the Art of Selective Truth
Tell each branch a different story. To the new one, you’re trapped in a cold, loveless hell. To the current one, the new “friend” is just a co-worker or a buddy from college. Spin the lies until both suckers buy it.
Reader Tip: If your partner’s stories don’t match up, trust your gut. Gaslighting is the narcissist’s favorite toy.
Step Six: Stick the Landing
Don’t let go of one branch until the next one is sturdy. Time the breakup so you’re never single a day. The old supply will be too stunned to fight back while you’re already posting selfies with the replacement.
Reader Tip: If your partner’s breakup feels sudden and brutal, it wasn’t. They’d been planning their swing for months.
Bonus Round: Keep a Whole Tree
The true master narcissist doesn’t swing branch to branch. They own the whole damn forest. A harem of orbiters—one for sex, one for money, one for ego-stroking. If one falls off, ten more are ready.
Reader Tip: If your “exclusive” partner always has admirers hovering, you’re not exclusive. You’re inventory.
Final Lesson
For the narcissist, monkey branching is the art of never facing their own emptiness. For you, dear reader, the lesson is simpler: if you see these moves, cut the rope. Don’t be the branch they swing from—be the saw that drops their ass to the ground.
—P.
Featured Image: “Tarzoon: Shame of the Jungle” (1975) now streaming on SCREW TV exclusively on Roku.
