You felt it, didn’t you? That little tremor under your nutsack, the air getting just a bit more fascist? That’s because the FCC just gave its blessing to one of the most shameless media handoffs since Murdoch passed the remote to his failsons. This week, Paramount Global sold what was left of its soul to Skydance Media, greenlighting an $8.4 billion deal that gives a trust fund brat the keys to CBS, Nickelodeon, and Paramount Pictures. In return, America gets jack shit — except maybe NCIS: Mar-a-Lago and a Rugrats reboot where the babies are unvaccinated and believe in trickle-down economics.
Let’s follow the money shot: Paramount pays $16 million to settle a lawsuit President Donald Trump filed over a 60 Minutes interview with Kamala Harris — and boom, the FCC clears the way for 28 CBS stations to transfer to their new Skydance overlords. Totally unrelated, says FCC Chairman Brendan Carr, while adjusting his MAGA kneepads. Nothing to see here. Pure coincidence that Trump gets a payout and a major media merger drifts through the system like an OxyContin boofed up a Florida congressman’s asshole.
Skydance, if you’ve never heard of them — and why would you, unless you love watching Tom Cruise sprint in IMAX — is run by David Ellison, son of Oracle warlord Larry Ellison. This isn’t some scrappy indie studio buying into legacy media. This is the Ellison kid buying the electric company because daddy already owns the power grid. It’s cosplay capitalism. And now it owns what’s left of American broadcasting.
Skydance made its money producing bloodless blockbusters and military-flavored popcorn, always with a strong whiff of Tom Cruise’s aftershave. Which naturally leads people to ask: is this some backdoor Scientology operation? The answer’s no — not officially. But when your brand is basically Tom Cruise™ presents America, and your biggest asset is a guy who thinks Xenu invented psychiatry, it’s fair to raise an eyebrow. David Ellison himself isn’t a Scientologist — he worships capital, not thetan levels — but his business model leans heavily on Cruise, explosions, and hollow spectacle. If it’s not a cult, it’s at least a very profitable delusion.
And let’s not gloss over the biggest red flag in this whole circus: Paramount axed all its diversity, equity, and inclusion programs to “better align” with the Trump administration’s idea of fairness — which is somewhere between segregation and 4chan. This is the kind of move that says, “Hey white guys, welcome back. You can say the quiet part loud again.” It’s not just spineless — it’s strategic. Gut the values, get the deal. What’s next? Nickelodeon rebranding as PragerU Jr.?
Skydance, meanwhile, is promising “editorial balance” at CBS by appointing an ombudsman — which is just a $200,000-a-year word for “political babysitter.” Their job? Make sure no anchor blinks too hard when saying “President Trump,” and that every climate report includes a quote from ExxonMobil or your uncle who owns six ATVs and thinks chemtrails are gay. This isn’t balance — it’s pre-cleared narrative control.
And if you think this takeover is just behind-the-scenes boardroom bullshit, CBS just reminded us it’s very much in front of the camera too. A few days ago, they announced they’re canceling The Late Show with Stephen Colbert — not for anything he said about Trump, no no, they swear it’s just about money. Right. Cancel the sharpest political voice in late night TV right before a presidential election, and we’re supposed to believe it’s all about ad rates? They’re not even bothering to replace him — just pulling the plug entirely in May 2026. Meanwhile, Trump’s out here gloating like he got the man fired — and maybe he did. Now he’s openly threatening Kimmel, Fallon, and anyone else who might make a joke at his expense. We’ve officially entered the “cancel comedy or else” phase of this banana republic media strategy.
This isn’t just about who owns what. It’s about who controls the mic, and who’s allowed to speak into it. The First Amendment doesn’t mean much when billionaires with political agendas can buy the platforms and throttle the signal. We used to worry the government would censor the press. Now we’ve evolved — the press just sells itself to whoever pays in cash and vengeance.
Don’t be fooled by the branding. This isn’t a business deal — it’s a cultural acquisition. The rich are eating the media, the FCC is doing keg stands at the Trump Tower pool, and Ellison’s empire just metastasized into something truly dangerous: a propaganda pipeline disguised as family programming.
So fuck this merger. Fuck Paramount. Fuck Skydance. Fuck CBS. Fuck the ombudsman. Fuck the FCC for pretending this was about journalism and not Trump’s bruised ego. And fuck anyone who thinks this is just business as usual. This is the new American media — a theme park of controlled narratives run by guys who’ve never ridden the subway or read a goddamn book that didn’t explode in the third act.
But hey — at least we still got South Park on Paramount+. Something tells me things might get interesting.
—P
