(MIAMI, FL) — In an exclusive and devilishly candid interview, SCREW Publisher Phil Italiano sits down with Satan himself to discuss everything from the current political chaos to his fondness for division and suffering. With surprising candor, Satan reveals his admiration for Donald Trump’s reign of chaos, his delight in watching marginalized groups struggle, and his twisted view on America’s self-destructive path. As the ruler of Hell, Satan offers chilling insights into his role in shaping modern disaster, from fueling political division to relishing in the suffering of women and minorities. This conversation pulls no punches, leaving readers questioning just how deep the Devil’s influence really goes in today’s world.

Phil Italiano: So, Satan, I’ve got to say, I didn’t expect this interview. It’s not every day you get a chance to interview the Beelzebub—Lucifer, himself. But here we are. How are things in Hell?

Satan: [Laughs darkly] Oh, you know, business as usual. A lot of fire, a lot of brimstone, a lot of suffering, but I’ve got to admit, I’ve been enjoying the view from the top these days. People up on Earth—especially in America—seem to be doing just fine in terms of fueling my little operation.

I take it you’re not just talking about global warming and all that shit, right?

Satan: I’m talking about tariffs, taking the stock market, chainsaws to government programs, poking fun of retards, deporting your own, beautiful [finger quotes] clean coal, conquering Greenland, fuck Ukraine, fuck NATO—I’m talking about Donald Trump, man! Hating on Canada? You just can’t make this shit up. It’s fabulous. Better than anything on Hell TV.

So you’ve obviously got a front-row seat to all the political chaos happening here in America and it’s pretty obvious you’re a big fan of Donald Trump.

Satan: [Chuckles menacingly] Oh, absolutely. The guy’s a genius, really. I mean, let’s talk about it—what’s not to love? He’s unapologetically selfish, driven by ego, and loves nothing more than stoking division. You could say he’s a poster child for my whole philosophy. And red? Don’t even get me started on that. Red is my color! It’s the color of blood, anger, passion, power, Red China, Mao Zedong, Russia, commies, authoritarianism—it’s the color of my kingdom, you could say. It’s no coincidence that Trump and the whole MAGA movement are obsessed with it. Just look at that “Make America Great Again” hat. It’s basically a neon sign that screams “I’m here to burn it all down.” Perfect.

Wow, Satan. So you see Trump as some kind of… ally? A vessel for your brand of chaos?

Satan: Oh, definitely. Trump is the gift that keeps on giving. Or should I say the grift. Ha! When he was in office before, it was like a non-stop party. And now he’s back. I’ve had my share of charlatans and corrupt leaders, but none have quite grasped the art of destroying democracy like Trump. He’s got that special knack for keeping people distracted and angry while he enriches himself and his friends. He’s a perfect tool for promoting chaos, and chaos is what I thrive on. People fighting with each other, tearing down institutions they don’t understand—oh, it’s beautiful. Fuck that Department of Education. Who needs it?

And what about this whole anti-abortion thing? You’ve got your fingers in a lot of pies, but this one seems particularly personal for you.

Satan: [Grins] Oh, it’s absolutely personal, Phil. You know what I love? Watching the suffering of people—especially the suffering of women. The sheer cruelty of forcing them to carry unwanted pregnancies, stripping them of their rights over their own bodies—well, that’s music to my ears. You see, I’m not just about making life miserable. I’m about making people feel the misery. Abortion bans, limiting access to health care—it’s a beautiful thing. It forces women into unsafe situations, it hurts the most vulnerable, and it takes away their agency. It’s a reminder that they’re not in control—I am. I live for that kind of despair. Most people would think I’m Pro-Choice, but it’s quite the opposite. I’d much rather see a woman forced to give birth to her rapist’s child, and then that child grow up unwanted and unloved and angry at the world. Perhaps he’ll shoot up his school one day.

You’ve always been about power, right? And you get a kick out of stripping marginalized groups of their rights. Women, minorities, immigrants—people who’ve spent so long fighting for basic equality. What’s your take on that?

Satan: [Laughs maliciously] Oh, don’t get me started. Stripping people of their rights is my bread and butter, man. Take away the rights of immigrants? Perfect. They’re an easy target. Take away the rights of minorities? Even better. Fuck them. It’s not just about hurting them—it’s about instilling a sense of powerlessness. When people feel powerless, they turn on each other. Divide and conquer. And don’t even get me started on women’s rights again—my favorite sport. I mean, it’s not like women were ever meant to have power, right? Let’s keep them in their place, keeping them from rising up, keeping them dependent. All the better to watch their suffering as they fight tooth and nail just to have control over their own lives. It’s like watching a slow-motion car crash—I just can’t look away. Go make me a sandwich, bitch!

Damn, Satan. That’s fucking cold. But then, you’re known for being a bit of a sadist. You love watching people suffer, don’t you?

Satan: Oh, absolutely. It’s a beautiful thing, watching people squirm, watching them lose hope. That’s what keeps me going. And let’s be clear—watching America burn under the weight of DOGEs and oligarchs and corrupt politicians? It’s like a feast for me. And Elon Musk, oh, forgetaboutit—I love him, too! Cancelling everyone else’s funding while enhancing his own? Get rid of NPR, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid? Beautiful. The way the rich get richer while the poor get poorer. [Sighs contentedly] It’s a fucking disaster, man—and I live for disaster. The Trump administration is a dream come true. You got an incompetent, narcissistic egomaniac at the top, doing everything he can to make life worse for the average American. You can practically taste the chaos. The way he rewards himself and his friends with tax cuts while the working class suffered—it’s like watching someone spit in the face of the people who built this country. Bravo!

And let’s not forget about all those people who dared to challenge him. The women who accused him of rape and the judges who convicted him—you must’ve loved that retribution he dished out.

Satan: Oh, absolutely. Revenge is such a sweet thing. Watching Trump lash out at anyone who stands in his way—whether it’s the judges, the media, the Bidens, Shifty Schiff, or anyone else who dares to speak truth to power—it’s like watching a great opera. It’s messy, it’s loud, and it’s all about him. And you know what? The more he pisses people off, the more it serves my purposes. He thrives on hate and fear, and I thrive on the same things. We’re a match made in Hell. I mean, I move on women like bitches, too! And I grab all the pussies I want, not because I’m a star like Trump and they let me, but because they have no choice, they’re powerless.

So, Satan, I guess you’d call Trump your favorite president yet, huh?

Satan: [Grins wickedly] Oh, absolutely. He’s the king of chaos, the master of misery. No one has done more to fuel division, to piss and shit all over democracy, and to strip people of their dignity. He’s a walking, talking disaster, and that’s exactly what I want in a leader. Trump’s not just a president—he’s the perfect storm. He’s made America more corrupt, more divided, and more vulnerable to authoritarianism than ever before. He’s my guy. Oh! And don’t get me started on this whole tariff thing and all the insider trading shit—whoops—did I say too much?

No worries Satan, we’ll edit that out. It’s been a pleasure, in a twisted sort of way. Any last words for the American people?

Satan: [Smirks] Sure. You all got a lot to learn. But don’t worry, you’ll learn the hard way. I’m sitting back, enjoying the show. It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. Ha! It’s only been seventy days, you still got 3 1/2 years to go. And like Al Pacino said in that one movie, Trump’s “just gettin’ warmed up!” Trust me on that. He’s gonna take a flamethrower to this country. And it’s gonna get a whole HELL of a lot warmer. Pun intended. See what I did there? Finally, to all the MAGA supporters—keep wearing that commie red. It suits you. Oh, and fuck windmills!

Go to Hell, Satan.

Satan: Duh, where the fuck you think I am?

—SM