BY TESS TICKLES
Evolution takes time. For humans, it took millions of years to get to our current fine-ass selves. Laws aren’t much different. What makes sense to lawmakers today might seem completely unhinged ten, twenty, or a hundred years from now.
Like people, the laws of the United States evolve—some passed with good intentions, others because somebody somewhere got a stick up their ass over something dumb, like dildos or boobie pillows.
Here are five sex-related laws that still exist for some reason:
Guns, Not Dildos
In Texas, the Obscene Device Law makes it a crime to possess “six or more obscene devices or identical or similar obscene articles.” The law defines these as anything “designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs”—so, dildos, vibrators, artificial vaginas, etc.
According to the statute, possessing six or more means you’re presumed to have the intent to distribute. Like you’re slinging pocket rockets instead of crack.
Meanwhile, there’s no legal limit on how many guns you can own in Texas. Priorities.
No Seduction or Debauchery
Michigan still has a 1931 law on the books making it a felony to “seduce and debauch any unmarried woman.” The penalty? Up to five years in prison or a $2,500 fine.
The law doesn’t say what “debauch” actually means. So does that mean seducing a married woman is fine? And what kind of “debauchery” are we talking—tequila shots off a body part or full-blown orgy in the basement?
Unclear. Michigan didn’t get into the details.
Marrying Your Cousin
America remains split on marrying your cousin. It’s legal in 20 states, illegal in 25, and complicated in five. Surprisingly, it’s allowed in places like New York and California, not just the Southern states everyone jokes about. Ahem, Roll Tide!
Utah allows first cousins to marry, but only if they’re both over 55 and one is sterile. Or they can just wait until they’re both over 65 and get hitched with no restrictions.
Nothing says love like a fertility clause.
Don’t Touch Yourself
Utah again. In 2011, lawmakers expanded the state’s solicitation laws to include “lewd acts,” such as exposing or touching yourself to suggest you’re selling sex. Even asking someone to flash you now qualifies as an offer.
This was aimed at making it easier for undercover cops to bust sex workers—but the law doesn’t exempt strippers, whose job often includes touching themselves.
Lawmakers claim they’re not targeting strippers. Yet. And yes, apparently there are strippers in Utah. Possibly Mormon. Possibly dancing in missionary position.
Did you know that the “missionary” position was created by Mormons so they can have sex and watch for DCS at the same time? Ba-dump.
No Boobie Pillows
Kern County, California decided it had enough of “articles depicting female breasts,” including plush novelty items known as boobie pillows. They passed a law banning the sale or display of such items within 1,000 feet of a highway. Violators face a $500 fine or 90 days in jail.
Yes, this is a real law. Yes, boobie pillows are real. They’re exactly what they sound like: soft, breast-shaped pillows designed to ease stress and trigger the brain’s comfort response.
Whether the pillows in question are the exact ones targeted by Kern County is unclear. But they look cozy as hell.
Know of any bizarre sex laws in your state? Share them with SCREW readers in the comments below.
Unless you’re in Haddon Township, New Jersey—where it’s illegal to make flirty or sexy comments in public.
…and that makes six.
—TT
