Ever wonder if you’re really gay and just don’t know it yet?
Relax. You’re usually the last to find out.
Friends know. Bartenders know. That guy at the gym knows. And your doctor definitely knew by your fifth prostate exam this month. Since 1968, SCREW has proudly been down with the gays. In fact, we were the first publication to ever publish the word “homophobia”. We know what’s what, and who’s who. We’ve seen it all, clocked it all, and we can spot a finocchio from one well-organized, beautifully-decorated room away.
So let’s settle it once and for all.
This extremely scientific, wildly unlicensed self-assessment will help determine whether you’re GAY or NOT GAY. No gray areas. No follow-up questions. Just vibes, habits, and deeply inconvenient honesty.
Simply answer GAY or NOT GAY to the following ten questions.
1. A woman sucks a man’s dick
2. A man sucks another man’s dick
3. A man eats a woman’s pussy
4. A woman eats another woman’s pussy
5. A man fucks a woman’s pussy
6. A woman fucks another woman’s pussy with a strap-on
7. A man fucks another man in the ass
8. A man fucks a woman in the ass
9. A woman fucks another woman in the ass with a strap-on
10. A woman fucks a man in the ass
ANSWERS
Questions 1—9:
Who cares.
Question #10:
If you answered GAY to #10, congratulations, you are a fag. Your father was right. You are a fudge-packing peter puffer who puffs pickled peters in Prada pumps. Go take a ride on the Hershey Highway, homo. We’ll be here when you get back — we need some decorating tips.
Seriously though, psychologists call this internalized homophobia. Translation: when a woman breaking a “straight” rule is what sets off the alarm, it’s not about sex, it’s about protecting a very delicate idea of masculinity. The quiz didn’t change your orientation. It just cracked the office door to see how fast you slammed the laptop shut and pretended this was all “just a joke.”
We’re not judging you.
—SM
