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The Death of Free Internet Porn?

BY PHIL ITALIANO

I’m a product of the 80s and early 90s, the tail-end of what’s known as The Golden Era of Porn, a time when the smut flicks were as goofy and tacky and outrageous as our big hair and the funky clothes we wore. #AquaNet #ParachutePants. Watching a porn as a teenager was a right of passage, a major event for you and your friends like the Super Bowl is today. You snuck your dad’s Debbie Does Dallas VHS videotape out of your parents’ bedroom and brought it over to your friend’s house while his parents were out, where you and your buddies fast-forwarded to all the fuck scenes then pretended not to get excited out of fear of getting a boner in front of them and being called a “fag.” (Thinking back, that absolutely made no sense.) You were then careful to Be-Kind-And-Rewind it back to where it was so Dad didn’t know you watched it. (The porn movie equivalent of adding water to the vodka so they wouldn’t know you drank any.)

I was also a computer geek, thus privy to a whole world of digital porn unknown to the masses until the internet became a “thing” in the mid-90s. Long before AOL, we had dial-up Bulletion Board Systems (BBS), a lawless pre-internet digital world (much like the metaverse today) where the more pervier of computer geek hobbyists shared grainy, pixelated images of poorly scanned porn mag pages for the rest of us to whack-off to. I remember being 12. on the computer in my bedroom, waiting (im)patiently 45-minutes for a single, shitty quality Madonna nude to download, trusty jerk-off sock in-hand, ready to go, praying that Mom didn’t walk in to say goodnight because I’d have to quickly shut it all down and restart the whole damn thing all over again.

Fast-forward to the mid- and late-90s and porn was all over the internet, everywhere — and it was all for “free!” (We’ll come back to that.) In fact, it was common 90s “knowledge” that all the internet was good for was stock quotes and porn. Yeah, porn movies were still a thing — VHS and BetaMax being replaced with DVD — but you couldn’t get them on the internet. Unless you had the money and a supercomputer or the time and patience (and a steady internet connection) to wait 4 days for a full-length film to download, you were limited to short, 30-second to 3-minutes (or better) clips. Clips became the new porn, pretty much marking the end of full-length porn as we knew it, for the time being.

I imagine clips started out innocent enough. I’m sure it wasn’t the mission of the porn industry to simply giveaway tons of “free” porn and ruin its entire business model. Initially, they were a teaser, enticing us to spend money on getting DVDs shipped to us. (Clickbait, CPC and JuicyAds weren’t a thing yet.) But alas, we didn’t need DVDs any longer. The average guy can jerk himself off to fruition within 3 minutes — a bite-sized clip is all we need! I remember hitting the Lightspeed Girls websites and just jerking-off to all the free previews. I never once ordered an adult DVD from anyone, anywhere, even to this day, and assuming there are people who still buy them (because I still see them for sale) I can’t imagine what prehistoric world they live in.

Eventually, clips gave way to this notion of free porn and today, as the owner and operator of a subscription porn site, it’s commonplace for me (and my fellow porn-preneurs) to hear, “why would I pay for porn when I can get it for free?” Criiiiinge. (It pisses me off even more so when I hear it from the mouth of a musician, the same musician who complains everyone is listening to his music online …for free.) So clips became the new porn, and while full-length films were still a thing, compilations of clips became even more of a thing. Gone were the storylines of the Golden Era of Porn, and enter Ass Fucking Housewives #1 through #177. I’m guessing it was just easier to film a shit ton of 3-minute fuck scenes that could easily be shared online then later compiled into something full-length to sell. Not knocking the comps, by the way, many of them are great! I’m just saying that actual full-length movies kind of fell-off for a while.

By 2005, advancing technology, better file compression, faster computers and peer-to-peer file sharing made downloading (er, pirating) full-length movies (not just porn) easier, but still, it was all free and by then most of the damage was done. (And you still had to wait an hour or two for it.) While porn magazine after porn magazine fell off the face of the Earth (SCREW included) because they couldn’t “keep up” with all the “free porn” being offered on the internet, I can’t help but wonder how anyone made any money anywhere on porn through the 2000s. Yeah, some people were still walking through the beads into the backroom of the video store to browse and rent and/or buy the adult DVDs, but the rest of us just felt dirty and creepy and embarrassed to do it, so we settled for the free clips online.

While all that was happening, the tech industry powers-that-be were hard at work in the background developing what would become the porn industry’s saving grace — broadband connections and streaming technology — and what today has become somewhat of the Singularity between TV and the internet. You can now stream all the porn you want within seconds — and even cast it to your TV (still the most popular screen in the house) with SCREW TV! (Shameless plug.)

Of course the internet is still riddled with “free” clips but what streaming technology — and technology in general — is creating now is something incredibly beautiful: a rebirth of actual, full-length porn films! Good ones, too! We can now instantly stream and watch porn films online without having to wait, faster than we ever could before, even faster than popping a VHS tape that someone was kind enough to rewind into a VCR, or a DVD into a DVD player. (Ugh, remember those dreadful DVD menus?)

I know, I know, I’m not telling you anything new. You’ve been streaming for years now. But what I’m getting at is now that the technology is here, the industry is finally catching up from where it seems to have dropped off. Filmmakers now have the freedom — and the technological means at their disposal — to be creative again; to create actual, full-length films (with storylines!) that rival even the best Hollywood films! This is something most millennials won’t get, but those of us who grew up on films like Deep Throat and Debbie Does Dallas, we get it, because we came of age in a time when good porn flicks crossed-over into the mainstream, and until recently, that’s a phenomenon that hasn’t happened since. (I can’t think of one porn film from the 90s, 00s or 10s that rivaled any of those films. In fact, I can barely recall the name of one full-length, feature porn film from the 00s or 10s, period.)

Back in 2014, two interviewer broads on Bloomberg News laughed in the face of my late friend, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt when he said he believed the days of free internet porn were numbered. Of course he didn’t mean that literally. “Free clips” aren’t going anywhere. It’s the internet — that shit’s on there forever. What he meant, and what I’m confirming here, is that there was a major shift coming…

And now here we are in 2022, with film studios like Wicked putting out incredible films like Stormy Daniels’ recent Hysteria and Ssh.com‘s Mirror Game (both of which scored 5/5 erections on SCREW’s PeterMeter by the way) — not just porn flicks, but great award-winning movies in their own right, too! And let’s not forget all those awesome Axel Braun parodies! (My guilty pleasure.) There’s never been a better time in porn history to be alive than right now. The quality of the filmmaking, the budgets, the actors, the special effects, it’s all getting better and better because the technology is here, because the industry finally has all it needs to create the stuff of legend again.

Sure, there’s always going to be “free” stuff to get-off to, but as time goes on free clips will begin to serve their original, intended purpose — teasing you into wanting more and spending money for it. But unlike 1998 or 2004, you now get the instant gratification of streaming it the second you hit the pay button. History has proven the porn industry is always ahead of the game when it comes to entertainment technology be it photography, filmmaking, payment processing, whatever. Unfortunately, when it comes to content delivery, it was too far ahead of itself in the 90s and 00s. It’s eyes were bigger than its stomach. But now, in the New Roaring 20s, it’s finally back to the business of making good movies — better movies, better than ever before.

I’ve never been a fan of tube sites. Despite the free content, I think for the most part they’re just a huge collection of crap, save for a few nuggets of quality content (usually from a decent porn studio). All those fucking ads drive me nuts. Not to mention the unintended downloads and constant virus fears. And I think I speak for most modern porn consumers when I say, I’d rather pay a few bucks a month and not have to see (or skip) all those fucking ads or worry about the malware. It’s no different than Hulu or Netflix or Paramount Plus or Peacock or whatever other streaming service you pay for — a few bucks a month for no ads is worth it. Ok, forget I said Netflix, it’s not worth it. Anyway, I think the days of the tube sites are numbered in the sense that, the average, real consumers of porn (not the cheap-ass pervs just looking to get-off for free) will increasingly migrate to the comfort, safety and ad-free convenience of one or more paid subscription apps or services from studios serving their specific kinks versus over-crowded sites cluttered with ads and clickbait. Clickbait is so 2020.

Again, I’m not telling you anything new, all of this is already happening, and it’s been happening for a while. Porn studio content is getting better and better. Free content is actually trending lower quality and less and less pornier — case in point, many porn studios are increasingly releasing “clean” trailers on YouTube versus giving away anything for free. Digital consumers, in the mean time, are getting more and more comfortable with paying for adult content subscriptions. More than ever before. And adult site subscriptions have been steadily increasing — now at their highest level ever — and the sky is still the limit. All of this in spite of all that “free porn” on the internet.

So in closing, free porn is just that, free porn. Like anything else in this world, you get what you pay for. You can go to Costco and settle for a tiny, free sample bite of the filet mignon (then put a ballcap on and go back for a second one), or if you truly enjoy filet mignon, you can spend the money to buy the whole tenderloin and enjoy it for the duration, at your convenience, whenever you feel like enjoying it. Porn is no different. Free clips, like free samples, will always be there, but if you like the good stuff — the stuff your mouth is watering for — then just like the filet mignon, you should have no problem paying for it.

We’ve all been enjoying too much free porn for too long, and just like cigars and cars and whiskey and hookers and blow, if we want the good stuff, and we want to keep it coming, we need to get used to paying for it. Free porn isn’t dead, nor will it ever die, it will increasingly just fade away into the background as the bigger and better porn increasingly shows up behind paywalls. Get used to it.

You can show your support for the porn industry, your favorite porn studios and your favorite porn stars by simply subscribing to their content. (Just like you can show your support for SCREW by subscribing here.) You pay for other streaming apps, you buy concert tickets to your favorite band, you pay for meals at your favorite restaurants, and you buy your favorite drink at your favorite bar. You pay for all that other shit that gets you off, so what’s the fucking difference? Don’t be a dick.

— P.

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🖕SCREW YOU!

Is Netflix the New Porn?

No. It’s not.

From the earliest days of the internet, porn has always been king, at one time swallowing up more than half of the world’s bandwidth. Over the years though, as video streaming has come of age and the internet’s been flooded with news stories and pranks and pet videos and TikToks and tons of other schlock, porn’s total bandwidth usage has “dropped” to about one-third.

According to a handful of recent reports from various companies that monitor bandwidth usage, YouTube and streaming services like Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, etc., now eat up more bandwidth than porn. Netflix alone devours more than 37% of the world’s bandwidth, slightly edging-out porn all by itself.

Does that mean more people watch Netflix than porn?
No.

Or that less people are watching porn?

No, it all just means there’s more bandwidth to go around with more people streaming video content in general. In fact, more people are watching porn than ever before — and porn viewership continues to rise — only it’s percentage of overall bandwidth usage decreases as more and more people watch other shit, too.

So, no, Netflix hasn’t replaced porn. Nothing will ever replace it. So long as people have at least one free hand and an internet connection they will always go online looking for shit to jerk-off to. The only thing that will ever replace porn is better porn.

Porn still reigns supreme as king of the internet.

Long live the king!

— P.

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A SCREW REVIEW

Confessions of Food Delivery Hacks

I was standing outside traffic court, smoking a cigarette with the other losers, waiting for court to start, when I overheard two food delivery drivers comparing notes and sharing their inside jokes and delivery stories. I was naturally curious because I’m a lazy, fat fuck with no car who uses DoorDash, GrubHub, UberEATS and Instacart just about every day of my fat life, so I inched closer to eavesdrop…

The first dude, let’s call him Chad — because he looked like a Chad — drives for DoorDash and bragged how he “snags” a few fries and/or onion rings from every order until he has enough for a lunch break. The other one, who we’ll call Dante — because he looked like a Dante — drives for “all of ’em,” which I gathered to be DoorDash, GrubHub and UberEATS, laughed and assured Chad that “snagging” isn’t “stealing.” He then added how he always counts such things as breadsticks, chicken nuggets, chicken fingers, and chicken wings because sometimes restaurants throw in one or to extras, which he then snags for himself.

“If you snag one nugget and a few fries from every order,” he said, “by the end of your shift, you have a full meal, like a 20-piece variety nuggets from everywhere.”

Chad agreed and they both laughed that is was the “Kevin-from-The-Office” approach to food.

It gets crazier…

Chad keeps a metal straw in his car because those, “frothy milkshakes and pretty, foo-foo drinks” he can’t afford are often, “too tempting.”

Dante added, “Sometimes I help myself to few sips of soda or whatever just to cool off,” because his car’s A/C is broken and sometimes it’s, “just too hot.”

They both laughed again and concurred that whatever the customer doesn’t know won’t hurt them. “It’s not like they’ll miss it — they don’t even know,” one of them said.

The conversation was soon joined by an older woman, Debbie — because she looked like a Debbie — who is a full-time shopper for Instacart but also does DoorDash “on the side” (whatever that means). She explained how Instacart reveals the tip amount on every “batch” before she begins shopping for an order. If someone gives her a shitty tip, or no tip at all, she makes it a point to tell the customer the store is out of certain, higher-priced items in order to suggest more expensive replacements to boost the total cost, and thus her percentage, to compensate for the lack of tip. If the customer instead requests a refund, there’s a good chance the store will be “out of” several other key products the customer needs, just out of spite.

Dante then added how he sometimes does Instacart too, and how he will purposely report slightly higher weights on produce, especially bananas and grapes (because he loves bananas and grapes) so he can scarf some for himself. “It’s not like customers weigh everything when they get it,” he said, “so yeah, free bananas and grapes, baby!”

All three laughed at that.

Debbie went on to say how she’ll go so far as to pilfer a few slices of deli meat and cheese from a deli order, then two slices of bread (being careful to retie the bread bag), to make herself a sandwich to eat on the way to the customer’s house. “Thanks for the lunch,” she said. To which Chad added a quote from Kevin from The Office about how if you remove just one item from every Big Mac and save it, eventually you’ll have a free Big Mac.

It was the consensus among the three that they “don’t get paid enough,” and that driving around with bags of delicious-smelling fast food was akin to dangling raw meat in front of a hungry coyote. “What do they expect?” Chad asked, then continued on about how he often “picks at” the extra-crispy fried chicken while driving or snags a few croutons off a salad or bacon bits off the Baconator Fries, or stops to help himself to a bite of a customer’s cole slaw.

The conversation concluded with a discussion about restaurants having to meet all their health codes and inspections, yet the Health Department never asks to see delivery drivers’ cars. Chad laughed about his car being a huge mess, often times orders are sitting on top of his “dirty-ass laundry” or among the garbage on his floor which is a mish-mash of weeks-old, moldy fast food containers, empty oil containers, anti-freeze jugs, maybe a used condom or two, and “God knows what else.” Dante talked about smoking weed and cigarettes and how he’s surprised no one has complained their food smells like weed yet. And Debbie added she often has her dog with her and he often licks the overflow of a soda cup or the whipped cream off an uncovered shake or latte, and shoves his nose in every food bag.

“Whattaya gonna do?” she laughed, and the other two laughed in agreement as they all butted out their cigs and went inside for the start of the court session.

I often wonder about my food, about the “adventures” it goes on from the minute it leaves the restaurant to the moment it arrives at my door, and how vulnerable it is to contamination (and worse). I always envision food delivery drivers picking their noses (we all do it when we drive) and then handling my food bags, or hacking and coughing with the windows up. Do they even wash their hands? Are they required to? Do food delivery services require drivers to complete a food handling or safety course? Do they have clean car requirements? I know Uber drivers are required to keep their cars spotless, but what about UberEATS, and DoorDash, and GrubHub? Apparently not, according to Chad, Dante and Debbie.

I often get a photo of my food sitting at my door, but I’d much prefer to see a photo of my food in the car that delivered it, instead.

There really is no telling who is handling and delivering our food orders once they leave their restaurants. Yeah, these delivery services do background checks, so it’s likely not a sex offender handling your food, but that doesn’t mean it’s not some whack dude who’s gonna hack a loogy in my soda or worse yet, blow a load in it. I can’t tell you how many times the car that’s arrived with my order isn’t the same car shown in the app, or it’s a man when it should be a woman or vice versa.

It’s kind of scary now that I think about it, and especially after listening to those three idiots laugh about it.

Restaurant establishments are required by law to be clean and sanitary. Their workers are trained in food handling and safety. Food is stored properly and kept at temperature. They have cameras to make sure workers aren’t kicking your burger across the floor or spitting or jizzing in your McFlurry. Food delivery services, on the other hand, seem to be exempt from all that.

I wonder who is liable for cross-contamination? What happens if I get hepatitis from Chad fondling my food? Or I get ringworm from Debbie’s dog? Or if one of them jizzes on my burger or hacks a lung cookie in my soda? Who is responsible? The delivery service? The driver? Surely not the restaurant. Or maybe all three. These are questions I shouldn’t even have to ask because maybe there needs to be some sort of health department rules and regulations in place (and enforced) to protect us.

I’m beginning to question using these services. At least when restaurants deliver their own food, with their own, in-house drivers, you can assume there’s more care — and responsibility — that goes into it. They are indeed liable.

Of course, picking up your own food is the safest way to get it to your door. Maybe it’s fine time I start getting my fat ass up off the couch to go and get it myself. Ugh.

— P.

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