Ah, the late ’90s. America was drunk on AOL chatrooms, boy bands, and the illusion that the future was gonna be sexy chrome and dot-com dreams. But if Robopimp is any indication, the future was less “Jetsons” and more “junkyard gangbang”—a postwar dystopia where cyborgs turn tricks and justice comes hard. Literally.

Robopimp is the story of a disabled vet with a mission and a mission-critical dick. After getting his cock blown off in the Russo-American War of 2010 (you remember, the one with all the drone hookers and neural grenades), our hero is rebuilt with the kind of hardware you can’t find at RadioShack: a twenty-inch cyber-dong hardwired for ho control. They call him Robopimp. And he’s not here to cuddle.

This flick don’t waste time. First up: pretty little Kiki, played by scream queen Lisa Kincaid (Goon Squad 2, The Toolbox Abductions), who learns the hard way that going independent in Robopimp’s town means losing more than just her client list. Mid-trick, she gets rudely interrupted by a dick-swinging cybernetic fury. Her john ends up dead with a mouthful, and she ends up gagged, bound in her own panties, and turned into a human wax sculpture before Robo plugs her with his goddamn “pimpstik.” And if you’re asking what a pimpstik is, you’re already not ready.

But wait—there’s more. Back at the Robo-crash pad, Candi (the ever-bodacious Bridgette Bayonne, of Whiplash 3 and War Pigs 4 fame) thinks she can skip the rent. Bad idea. Robo turns her over to his war-buddy-turned-sex-bot Felix—a reprogrammed G2 interrogation droid with no safe word and zero chill. Candi wanted to play outlaw? Felix plays endgame. Chains, screams, and chrome-on-flesh reconditioning ensue.

Zed Black (Vacuum, Whiplash 4) rounds out the cast as Robo himself, a towering slab of titanium-fueled rage and sexual retribution. The man’s part machine, but all menace—and when he says “pay up,” it ain’t in Venmo.

What makes Robopimp special—beyond the obvious—is its commitment to the absurd. This ain’t just porno, it’s adult sci-fi horror with a filthy little brain and a mean streak. Imagine if Paul Verhoeven directed The Mack, shot it in an abandoned industrial park, and had Al Goldstein do the casting. You won’t find another flick this beautifully stupid, violently horny, or relentlessly committed to its own sleazy mythology.

Bottom line: Robopimp is everything the title promises and then some. If you want a film that assaults your sensibilities and leaves you sticky, confused, and a little aroused, climb aboard. Just don’t forget: there are no safe words in the future, only circuits and scars.

Watch it here.

—P.

Phil Italiano

Publisher, Visionary, Provocateur

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