Every year on May 2nd, we honor the second worst day in J. Edgar Hoover’s pathetic, closeted life: the day SCREW Magazine called his ass out. Not for being gay — we couldn’t give a fuck — but for being a power-abusing, pants-shitting hypocrite who spied on Americans while hiding silk panties under his own government-issued suit.

So what do we celebrate on Gay Edgar Hoover Day?
Not the man. The takedown. The power of print. The beauty of blowing up a repressed liar’s closet with a headline so true it triggered a federal sting operation. And yes — we celebrate the erection of a new era in free speech.

Here are five filthy, fabulous, and First Amendment-friendly ways to honor the day:

1. Read a Banned Book While Getting a Blowjob

Because nothing screams “freedom” like getting your brains sucked out while flipping through Tropic of Cancer. Or The Story of O. Or hell, a crusty old issue of SCREW. Celebrate Gay Edgar Hoover Day by honoring the two things he hated most — free expression and oral sex. No partner? No problem. Prop up a mirror, slick your hair back, and pretend you’re Hoover himself, sniffing your own cologne and hiding behind a bookshelf full of dildos and denials.

2. Tag a Hypocrite on X with Something Dirty

Nothing says “Happy Gay Edgar Hoover Day” like forcing a politician to look at a sweaty tangle of bodies while they’re scrolling on the Senate shitter. Fire up X (that’s Twitter for those of us who didn’t buy a midlife crisis) and tag your favorite anti-porn blowhard in the filthiest meme, clip, or caption you can legally post. Or simply repost one of our posts — @TheSCREWMag — and tag them in it!

Remember: while the rest of the web’s jerking off to age verification laws, Elon’s platform is still a free-for-all cum carnival — and that’s their hypocrisy, not yours. Make them squirm. Make them mute you. Make Hoover spin in his lacy little coffin.

3. Post the Infamous SCREW #11 Cover on Facebook

Throw it back to May 2, 1969 — when SCREW slapped “Is J. Edgar Hoover a Fag?” across our cover and shot a cum-loaded cannonball straight through the starched asshole of the FBI. This was the moment we outed America’s most paranoid closet case and dared to say what everyone else whispered behind trembling lips and ashtrays. It wasn’t about his gayness — it was about his gutless hypocrisy while hunting down anyone else who dared to live out loud. So share the cover, shout Happy Gay Edgar Hoover Day! into the void, and drop this link like a glittery turd on your Facebook and into their history books: GET GOLDSTEIN: The One Where SCREW Outed J. Edgar Hoover

4. Jerk Off Like It’s Your Constitutional Right (Because It Is)

Gay, straight, bi, trans, furry, freaky, or just into watching people cry after anal — whatever gets your genitals twitching, you owe that freedom to SCREW. Al Goldstein took on the FBI so you could legally stroke it to whatever twisted smut your sick little heart desires — without ending up in a Kansas courtroom. So lube up, slap on your headphones, and honor the First Amendment the way Goldstein intended: one filthy stream at a time.

We recommend ScrewVideo.com — home of SCREW PREMIUM, offering unlimited access to over 500,000 porn clips from vintage hairy bush to high-def buttholes. Try the $1.99 trial or skip the commitment with 15 free minutes and a la carte options. Either way, Al’s ghost is watching — and he’s hard.

5. Support Free Speech and the Filthy Media That Made It Matter

Don’t just jerk it — work it. Toss a few bucks at an indie smut zine, donate to the Free Speech Coalition, or just cruise the SCREW site and maybe click on something that makes your pants feel tight. Better yet, send it to a friend — or an enemy who needs to loosen up.

This day isn’t just about Hoover’s repressed misery — it’s about our dirty joy. The joy of living in a world where porn stars can win awards, comedians can say cunt onstage, and some weird fucker out there is jerking off to hentai of Abraham Lincoln. That’s freedom. That’s America. That’s SCREW.

Happy Gay Edgar Hoover Day!

So whether you’re sipping champagne in silk panties or screaming “GO FUCK YOURSELF” at a framed Hoover portrait, make it count. He hated SCREW because we were right — and because we knew.

May your boners be long, your orgasms be righteous, and your closets remain open forever.

Oh, and spoiler alert— J. Edgar Hoover also died on this same day, just three years later.

—P.