In light of (better yet, to make light of) the current “buzz” surrounding the alleged Hans Niemann cheating scandal that recently rocked the world of professional chess, I reached out to a former member of the infamous MIT Blackjack Team (who wishes to remain anonymous) to review dozens of wireless, remote-controlled anal devices to see which would work best for cheating your way to victory against the great, grand masters of chess. (You can read more about that here.)

In case you missed it (or are too young to remember), the MIT Blackjack Team was a group of top students and ex-students from MIT, Harvard and other top universities who used sophisticated card-counting techniques and other “creative” strategies to beat, er, cheat casinos worldwide out of millions of dollars. The 2008 film 21 starring Kevin Spacey was devoted to their story.

Though the scandal evolves around the use of remote-controlled anal beads, in our expert’s professional opinion, a butt plug would work much better. That said, we asked him to review all of the wireless, remote-controlled butt plugs we could muster up and he settled on these five as the Five Best Butt Plugs for Cheating at Chess:

Habiki Hollowed Vibrating Anal Plug with Remote Control

Enjoy fabulous back door play (and better chess play) with the Habiki Hollowed Vibrating Anal Plug with Remote Control. The vibrating helical texture provides waves of orgasmic internal stimulation, perfect for beginners or erotic experts looking for anal stimulation, and perfect for send and receiving chess moves from The Wizard hiding in the bathroom.

• Made of 100% body-safe silicone
• 9 vibration modes
• Wireless remote with 30-foot range
• USB rechargeable (cable included)

The Habiki Hollowed Vibrating Anal Plug with Remote Control usually retails for $54.95. Click here for a special price for SCREW readers that includes free discreet shipping.

Ass Thumpers Power Plug 7x Hollow Anal Plug With Remote Control

Indulge in a new world of anal pleasure (while slaughtering your opponent) with the unique hollow design of the Ass Thumpers Power Plug 7x Hollow Anal Plug With Remote Control. This design translates powerful vibrations into a unique texture for you to enjoy — twist and turn this Ass Thumper to spread the love throughout your whole backdoor! Constructed with a premium silicone formula that is velvety smooth, phthalate-free, latex-free, and body safe for a worry free backdoor buzz. This hollow vibrating plug is perfect for use on your own or with a partner for sex or for, yep, you guessed it, cheating at chess!

• Body-safe and IPX7 waterproof
• 7 vibration patterns
• Wireless remote with 30-foot range
• USB rechargeable (cord included)

The Ass Thumpers Power Plug 7x Hollow Anal Plug With Remote Control usually retails for $54.95. Click here for a special price for SCREW readers that includes free discreet shipping.

Volt Electro-Flare Remote Control E-Stimulation Butt Plug

Electrify your senses (and your chess game) with the thrilling Volt Electro-Flare Remote Control E-Stimulation Butt Plug. This remote control electro-stimulation probe massager is packed with 5 independent, e-stimulation levels and 7 functions of vibration for electrifying pleasure. The sleek tapered plug is made to flex with your movements (for the most aggressive of chess play) while the plump body delivers advanced size pleasure.

Enjoy up to 100 minutes of stimulation (and chess cheating) and fully recharge in only 2 hours. Take this naughty probe on your next vacation with the instant off feature and security travel lock. (Because every butt plug needs a security lock especially in the world of professional chess.) This flexible anal probe massager is made from a hygienically superior silicone and the body safe material is unscented and phthalate-free to keep your most sensitive spots happy and healthy.

• Silky smooth body-safe silicone
• 7 vibrating functions
• 5 levels of e-stimulation
• Wireless remote with 32.75-ft range

The Volt Electro-Flare Remote Control E-Stimulation Butt Plug usually retails for $79.95. Click here for a special price for SCREW readers that includes free discreet shipping.

Zeus E-Stim Pro Silicone Vibrating Anal Plug with Remote Control

The Zeus E-Stim Pro Silicone Vibrating Anal Plug with Remote Control is a traditionally-shaped silicone anal plug that hides an electrifying secret! Indulge in the world of electro play without the need for a power box, wires, or electrodes with this convenient all-in-one anal package. This premium butt plug is the peak of shocking anal play — and great chess play! Fulfill your craving for anal (and defeat that grand master) while you enjoy tantalizing electric shocks deep in your bunghole!

• Made from luxurious, body-safe silicone
• 5 vibration functions and 5 electric stimulation functions
• Wireless controller with 30-foot+ range
• USB rechargeable (cable included)

The Zeus E-Stim Pro Silicone Vibrating Anal Plug with Remote Control usually retails for $67.95. Click here for a special price for SCREW readers that includes free discreet shipping.

TOP PICK: Lovense Hush 1.5″ Small Butt Plug

The Worlds First Teledildonic Butt Plug: Control It From ANYWHERE!

The Lovense Hush 1.5″ Small Butt Plug is the most versatile vibrating butt plug — EVER — and the most powerful vibrating butt plug on the market! It’s also the #1 choice among professional chess cheaters! Because it is app-controlled, you have full control of the range of power from any distance. Regardless if you want light or strong vibrations, you will find your sweet spot when it comes to vibration strength. The Hush is a fully programmable remote control vibrator which can be customized to a wide range of vibration levels. The included app allows you to choose a power level which matches your individual (and chess play) needs.

• Made of 100% silicone
• USB Rechargeable
• 1.5–2 Hours of Continuous Use
• Wireless BlueTooth app connection, works with Android and iOS!
• Quiet and Discreet
• Great for beginning and advanced chess players alike
• Use for solo play, foreplay, discreet public play — and yes, dirty chess play!

The Lovense Hush 1.5″ Small Butt Plug usually retails for $119.99. Click here for a special price for SCREW readers that includes free discreet shipping.

Whether you’re a chess player or not, as always, I’d love to hear your feedback about each and every one of these awesome remote-controlled butt plugs. Or maybe you’ve found a better one (for cheating at chess). If so, let me know. Your feedback and comments below can win you a FREE SCREW T-Shirt and other stupid prizes.

—P,