They say, true wisdom arrives not with answers, but with release.

This is the story of a man who faced his darkness, clenched through adversity, and discovered enlightenment—not in a temple, but on the toilet. This is not merely a tale of digestion. This is a guide. A parable. A movement. A story of struggle, surrender, and the sacred art of letting go…

The Path of the Brown Lotus

You ever take a dump so difficult, it felt like you unlocked a secret martial art?

Not regular pooping. I’m talkin’ Dung-Fu.
The ancient art of bowel combat.
It’s real. It’s sacred. And it’s messy.

Now within Dung-Fu, there’s one move whispered about in sacred bathrooms across time:
The Brown Lotus.
A move so powerful, so transformative…
they say once you master it, you never clench again.

It started with three days of blockage.
THREE. I was walkin’ like a man with secrets.
I didn’t need a bathroom—I needed a priest and a jackhammer.

I tried everything.
Coffee. Prunes. Stretching. I even tried opening my third eye—but it was blocked by my second sphincter.

And then… it came.
The call.
A low rumble in my gut that sounded like an ancient monk clearing his throat.
I knew—this was it.

I entered the dojo—my bathroom.
Turned off the lights. Lit incense. Played one single Tibetan bell.
This wasn’t just a dump. This was a destiny.

I assumed the position—foot on the tub, fists clenched, brow furrowed in sacred geometry.
The Poop Face of Enlightenment.
Every vein in my forehead spellin’ out ancient Sanskrit.
Lips tight like I was about to deliver the Gettysburg Address—but backwards.

And then I pushed…
Not with rage, not with fear…
With wisdom.

That’s when it happened.
I unleashed the Brown Lotus.
One glorious, violent bloom.
It corkscrewed out of me like a spiritual drill bit.
Hit the water with the sound of a judge’s gavel.
Case closed.

I sat there, sweat on my brow, looking like I just ran a marathon in a sauna.
But I wasn’t broken.
I was whole.
I was a man reborn.
I didn’t wipe—I reflected.

So now, when life gets tough—taxes, traffic, sales pitches, awkward social encounters—I just close my eyes and breathe deep, and I say:

“This ain’t worse than the Brown Lotus.”

Because once you’ve stared into the bowl of destiny…
and flushed the past away…
you are no longer the same man.
You are a Master of Dung-Fu.
You are the Lotus.
And the Lotus… always rises from the mud.

Shitashi.

—P.

Phil Italiano

Publisher, Visionary, Provocateur

See author's posts