Let’s get one thing straight: if you clicked here looking for recipes or polite dinner conversation, you’re in the wrong part of town. We’re diving headfirst into the gutter of human desire, where the language gets dirty, the visuals get graphic, and the only thing more depraved than your imagination is the slang we’re about to throw at you. Forget what you think you know about “normal” sex talk—this is SCREW, where we don’t just tiptoe around taboo, we run right through it like a freight train full of questionable decisions.

From felching to shrimping, snowballing to truffle butter, and everything in between, we’re serving up the kind of filthy phrases that’ll make your grandmother faint and your girlfriend blush. So, if you think you can handle the nastiest, most outrageous sex terms the internet has to offer, sit tight. Things are about to get filthy…

Rainbow Kiss

A Rainbow Kiss is performed when you go down on your girl and eat her out while she’s on her period. (Guys, if you’re a big pussy when it comes to vaginas, stop here.) Once you get a mouthful of pussy blood, it’s her turn to go down on you. You then blow your wad in her mouth and then the two of you make-out. The glorious mixing of her period and your jizz in your mouths makes for a nice raspberry swirl we call a Rainbow Kiss. 

Pearl Necklace

Oh cum on, you know this one. Everyone knows the Pearl Necklace. It’s when your girl (or guy) sucks your dick and you blow your jizz across their neckline and if you’re lucky, your load will spray in droplets creating something akin to a string of pearls. Some guys choke up on their cock as they blow, thus adding staccato to their ejaculation — rat-tat-tat! — like a machine gun. That works. But there’s a better way, too. It involves getting your asshole pegged and your prostate stimulated to the point where your jizz blows in bullets instead of a stream.

Shrimping

Call it a fetish, call it what you will, Shrimping has nothing to do with Forrest Gump and everything to do with you sucking or licking your partner’s toes, or them sucking or licking yours, or both of you sucking and licking each others’, before, during and/or after sex. Some people prefer clean toes. Others like ’em dirty. And still others, the dirtier and stinkier, the better. Try cumming on her toes and then licking and sucking it off together and making-out.

Snowballing

Sometimes referred to as cum-swapping, Snowballing is when you blow your load in your partner’s mouth and then the two of you make-out and swap it back-and-forth between you until one of you swallows it or it’s all gone. Whoever swallows it makes dinner. I just made that last part up, but hey, why not make a fun game out of it?

Felching

Felching is the act of cumming in an asshole and then licking- or sucking your cum out. (Some people use a straw. I call that cheating.) It’s not as gross as it sounds, especially if it’s a nice, clean butthole to start. I wouldn’t suggest trying this delicious slice of anal creampie just after dinner (especially after Mexican) or after a long day of sedentary activity that gets your partner’s ass all stinky and sweaty and skid-marky. It’s not about eating shit, it’s about the intimacy in sharing each other’s juices. Try snowballing the felch with your partner for even more fun — let them taste it, too!

Bukkake (or Just Facials)

I know you know this one, too. Don’t act like you don’t. Traditionally, Bukkake is a group of men collectively cumming on someone’s face, otherwise it’s just a facial. I guess you could call an extraordinarily large cum-shot to the face bukkake as well. (Let’s not argue about it.) I’m not into jacking off with a bunch of dudes onto a target, anyway. But that’s not to say I haven’t bukkake’d a bitch or two in my day. Try edging for a few days and building up a big, bukkake-worthy load to blow on her otherwise unsuspecting face.

Teabagging

Imagine dunking a teabag in and out of a steaming hot cup of water to steep it. Such is the case with Teabagging — dunking deez nuts gingerly in and out of her mouth, steeping them in its warmth as she lovingly sucks on them like a hungry little slut and then gags on her own saliva. Look down as you teabag her, into those beautiful eyes, as you jack-off, then cum in her pretty, curly hair.

Pegging

Pegging means taking it in the ass. Guys, this ain’t 1989. It’s ok for a girl to fuck you in your ass with a strap-on. So long as she don’t have a real dick, it’s not gay, it’s just pegging. If the thought still freaks you out, have her do it with a dildo that doesn’t look like a dick, so it feels “less gay” for you. The fact is, anal sex is great — both giving and receiving. If you’re doing one and not the other (or neither) you’re really missing out on one of life’s greatest pleasures.

Golden Shower

I’m sure you’ve heard of a Golden Shower. It’s when a girl pisses on you. It’s an acquired taste. There’s nothing like the intimate exchange of sexual juices. Saliva, smegma, squirt, pee, blood, there’s delight to be found in whatever juices she has to offer provided they’re not brown or green, There’s nothing like eating a pussy and it explodes its delicious, warm squirty stuff all over your face and in your mouth. Let your girl (or her and her friends) piss all over you. Or piss on her or them, or in her or them, too. The wetter and sloppier the sex, the better. Just tell her to hold-off on the asparagus that day.

Truffle Butter

Saved the best/worst for last. Truffle Butter is achieved when you go from fucking her ass to fucking her twat. As you pound away, and her vaginal juices begin to flow, a tan buttery substance begins to form. I probably don’t have to explain why. Anyway, that’s Truffle Butter. And while I’ve churned my share, it’s not something I’d necessarily ingest or suggest you ingest. Bottom line, it’s about as nasty as you can get, save for the smegma of a street walker’s pussy that’s been fucked and cummed-in twenty times and not showered yet. But even then I might argue the former.

There you have it my perverted Padawans. You are now hip to be square pegged into a round hole — that is, to some new, dirty lovemaking lingo. Next time, perhaps we’ll dig a little deeper and get a little dirtier. But for now, do what you want with it, but whatever you do, do it responsibly and be sure to shower after. Don’t come to work smelling like ass or piss, people will think you’re homeless or worse yet, getting old and incontinent.

May the Fuck Be With You.

—P.