They didn’t want you to know this. The record label didn’t want you to know it. The BBC definitely didn’t want you to know it. And Kevin Rowland? He’s been dancing around it in overalls and denial since 1982. But here at SCREW, we’ve got a dirty little secret buried beneath that infectious fiddle hook and teenage yearning. You ready?
Forget everything you’ve heard. The 1982 hit song “Come On Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners was actually about Eileen Wells — the porn star.
For those too young, too innocent, or too busy faking it through college, Eileen Wells was one of the golden goddesses of hardcore’s first real heyday—the late ’70s era of satin sheets, storyline porn, and grainy glory. Films like Candy Stripers (1978), Heavenly Desire (1978) and Sweet Savage (1979) made her a cult legend. She wasn’t just sexy — she was dangerous. She looked like the girl next door if the girl next door had a black belt in blowjobs and eyes that could melt reel-to-reel tape.
The story goes like this: In 1979, Dexys frontman Kevin Rowland took a trip to New York, trying to “find himself” and escape the Birmingham drizzle. One night in Times Square—before Disney turned it into a strip mall for tourists—he found himself at the Pussycat Theatre. The marquee read: “CAROL CONNORS AND EILEEN WELLS IN: SWEET SAVAGE.” Kevin paid his $4, walked into the sticky darkness, and 79 minutes later, walked out a changed man.
He’d fallen in love with Eileen after witnessing her iconic Native American fuck scene. Makes sense, too, given her whole pioneer woman look in that film which fit the whole Midnight Runner aesthetic.
He returned to the UK with a vague look of enlightenment and a sudden obsession with fiddle-forward soul anthems. The rest is radio history. Sure, he told the press it was about a Catholic guilt-ridden teenage crush, but those lyrics?
“Come on, Eileen / I swear (well, he means) / At this moment, you mean everything…”
Come on. That’s not a confession—that’s a cumshot.
“You in that dress / My thoughts, I confess / Verge on dirty / Oh, come on, Eileen…”
Seriously, the song plays out like a climax.
Kevin just didn’t want anyone to know the truth — he was perving on this hot porn star he couldn’t get out of his mind. Her beautiful face, her luscious, hairy twat and her mad cock sucking skillz were haunting him. She was his muse.
Even the music video—innocent on the surface—features Rowland writhing in overalls like he’s trying to pop a boner discreetly in a confessional. And those long, yearning stares into the camera? That’s a man still mentally trapped in the back row of a Times Square peep booth, praying the cleaning guy doesn’t walk in before he’s finished.
Of course, this has never been officially confirmed. Eileen herself never commented—she retired from porn in the early ’80s and vanished into legend. Maybe she’s living on a beach somewhere, sipping Mai Tais and humming along to the royalties she should’ve gotten.
So next time that song comes on at a wedding, or some DJ tries to slip it into a retro set like it’s innocent pop nostalgia, remember the truth: Behind every great love song is a woman who once got railed in a nurse costume under studio lights. And behind this one, there’s Eileen Wells—porn muse, unsung icon, and the only Eileen worth coming on.
Of course, I just made this all up, but you never know…
—P.
