It’s the question that echoes through the ages like a fart in the Sistine Chapel — first whispered by Adam after Eve side-eyed the apple, then mulled over by Aristotle between toga fittings. Jesus might’ve pondered it on the Mount; Henry VIII, between wives; and Clinton, somewhere under the desk. Trump? Still asking it on Truth Social at 3 a.m., shirtless and smeared with KFC grease.
From Caligula’s hot tub to O.J.’s Bronco, Shakespeare’s quill to Simon & Garfunkel’s breakup — and yes, even Swagasaurus Rex in his bedazzled Crocs — every man, great or gross, has faced this eternal enigma.
Romeo when he first saw Juliet, and Marc Antony when Cleopatra showed up with eyeliner thick enough to stop a war. Sid probably thought about it right before he stabbed Nancy, and Harry definitely thought it after Sally faked it. Dan Gallagher (played by Michael Douglas) got the full answer when Alex Forrest (played by not-Meryl-Streep-but-it-should’ve-been) boiled his kid’s bunny like it was Easter brunch.
David Addison and Maddie Hayes danced around it while Moonlighting, just as Hank Moody and Karen dry-humped their way through Californication. And don’t think for a second that Rizzoli & Isles weren’t asking it every time they found themselves sharing a tub of Talenti and eye contact.
It’s the one question that’s haunted mankind more than death, taxes, or TikTok — scrawled in Sharpie by some tortured prophet in the men’s room at the Pilot off I-40, Exit 383, Knoxville, TN:
Why. Oh why.
DO. Them. Bitches.
Always. Gotta Be. Trip’n?
You’re not alone, brother.
You’re just next in line.
Is that a sprinkle donut or an everything bagel?
—P.
