Long Lost Bible Stories: The Book of Pthirus 1:1-21

1 This is the account of Pthirus. It begins in the Lost Valley of Highman which cuts deep through the great Labbya Plateau.

2 To the north lay the land of Clitorra, sheltered in the shadows of the thick forest of Bushalatta.

3 To the south, the Tainted Desert, which stretches as far as the eye can see across the Land of Perinea to the dark, Pit of Crackow at the base of the Mountains of Yabuti.

4 It was there in the Valley of Highman one day that Pthirus appeared out of nowhere. It was as if he had awoken from a long, deep sleep.

5 Pthirus looked around at the beautiful world upon which he stood, amber waves of pubis flowed all around him. He looked down at himself, and at his six legs. then up to the Heavens. All in amazement.

6 “Dear God!” Pthirus cried, “Why am I here? Why have I been blessed with Creation? Why am I who I am what I am?”

7 The Angel of the Lord appeared to Pthirus from the flames of a fire within a burning thatch of pubis.

8 “You are Pthirus. I have Created you in the image of the Great Crab in the Sky.” the Lord said.

9 “But why have I been Created in the image of the Great Crab in the Sky?” Pthirus asked.

10 “I have Created you and brought you to this Valley in the Lands of Eve to punish both Adam and Eve for their disobedience, for eating the forbidden fruit from the Great Tree of Knowledge,” the Lord said.

11 “But how can I, Pthirus, a lowly crab, punish Adam and punish Eve? I am but one I am what I am.”

12 “I have Created you and Blessed you with the ability to multiply unto yourself,” God explained,

13 “But first, you must walk through the Valley of Highman, in the shadow of Labbya, through the land of Clitorra, to the jungles of Bushlatta. There you will multiply a thousand fold,”

14 God then commanded Pthirus, “Go forth and multiply young Pthirus.”

15 And so Pthirus did as the Lord commanded.

16 He traveled through the Valley of Highman, in the shadow of Labbya, through the land of Clitorra, to the jungles of Bushalatta, where he multiplied a thousand fold.

17 And those thousand begat a thousand more.
And those thousand each begat a thousand more.
And those thousand that each begat a thousand each begat yet a thousand more.

18 Soon the tribe of Pthirus numbered in the millions, and then the billions.

19 And soon the children of Pthirus migrated and spread from the Lands of Eve to Scrodom and Hemorrhoida in the Lands of Adam, and from the Lands of Adam to the Lands of his children and sheep and then on to every other living animal and human being in the world who was to be punished by the Lord.

20 And God saw that this punishment for Adam and Eve’s disobedience, for eating the forbidden fruit from the Great Tree of Knowledge, was good.

21 And then He let the Alpine play…

—P.

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About Phil Italiano 114 Articles
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