FBI Discovers Trump’s Cum-Stained Panty Stash

According to our sources in the FBI, last week’s so-called-raid on FORMER President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate yielded more than just a bunch of stolen nuclear documents. Inside the safe in Donald’s bedroom, we’re told, FBI agents discovered more than a dozen pairs of used panties, each one labeled with a woman’s name and stained with orange-tinged cum.

“We are in the process of DNA testing the cum stains,” our source told us, “but judging from their orange hue, one can assume the FORMER president wiped his thin-bent, spray-tanned cock on them after finishing himself off.”

The panties, which range in sizes and styles from tiny, skimpy thongs to huge granny panties, were each labeled with what authorities believe are the names of their original owners.

“There’s what appears to be Hope Hicks’ black thong, Kayleigh McEnany’s conservative, white lace JC Penney panties, Stormy Daniels’ red crotch-less panties, Sarah Matthews’ lululemon’s, Nancy Pelosi’s Montgomery Ward granny panties, Rosie O’Donnell’s ginormous Joe Boxers, and what appears to be Marjorie Taylor Greene’s stinky Spanx isolated in a Ziploc baggy, likely due to the horrible, last week’s tuna smell,” our source continued, “We called in the Bio-Hazard team for those.”

Perhaps the most disturbing find, however, were the various-sized panties marked with his daughter Ivanka’s name.

“They range in size from various children’s sizes to adult, and are labeled with both Ivanka’s name and what appears to be her age — ranging from 12 to 40,” our source went on, “Some appear to be pee-stained as well, not sure yet who’s pee it is, but tests are under way at our lab in Quantico.”

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that FORMER President Trump jerks-off on his daughter’s panties, as he has stated publicly in the past that he’d fuck her. Who wouldn’t? Nor that he would want to pocket her pee-stained panties, since we all know how much he loves pee.

Today, U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland, who approved the search warrant for Trump’s Mar-a-Lago “home,” asked a federal judge to make public the property receipt from the so-called “raid” which clearly documents the removal of “Miscellaneous Cum-Stained Panties” from Trump’s safe on page 2:

—SM.

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