Taco Bell of the Future Looks Like a Fucking Bank

Hello and welcome to Taco Bell of the Future, can I take your order?

Yeah, I’d like to open a checking account, buy some savings bonds and apply for a low-A.P.R. home equity line of credit — oh, and can I get a Mexican Pizza and a large Baja Blast, too?

Taco Bell recently opened it’s new “Defy” concept store-of-the-future in Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, and it looks (and acts) like a fucking bank. It’s got four drive-thru lanes — three for pre-orders and food deliveries like Door Dash and Uber Eats, and one for regular ‘ol drive-thru people. Food is delivered magically “from the sky” — the kitchen is actually above the drive-thru — via pneumatic “food tubes,” just like your bank withdrawal.

Never fear though, you’ll still get to deal face-to-face with the pimply kid, the growly-voiced, leather-faced broad or the methed-out parolee at the window, but via hi-tech audio and video — like when you visit your baby daddy (or mama) in prison.

It’s like Taco Bell meets U.S. Bank meets The Jetsons.

Of course that all looks and sounds great in theory, let’s hope the service is as perfect and precise as a bank, then maybe it will set the standard for fast food of the future. Without fail, just about every single fucking time I order food at one of these drive-thru joints I have to do a second loop through because they fucked up my order or my change.

So who cares what it looks like, or what bells (no pun intended) and whistles it has so long as they get your order and your change right the first time and you don’t have to deal with the methed-out parolee at the window a second time. Get that down and I’ll be a happy, regular customer no matter what it looks like.

–P.

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