Jimmy South and The Aristocrats (No It’s Not a Band)

So back in the 80’s there was this sleazy porn agent, Jimmy South who worked out of West Hollywood pimping out wannabe models fresh off the bus from Kansas to shady porn studios. He discovered porn legends like Shauna Grant and Traci Lords.

These young girls (and sometimes guys, or both) would come into the office thinking they were getting a legit modeling gig and he’d get them drunk or coke them up and tell them to take off their clothes and then he’d get them to dance around, and eventually play with themselves, or tool themselves with something from his desk, like a cigar, or a whisky bottle, or a cucumber (I don’t know, he could have had a cucumber in his desk, shut up, it’s my story, let me tell it.)

Other times it might be a guy and a girl banging, or two girls going down on each other, or two guys jacking each other off, or two guys and one girl, or two girls and one guy, or two midgets and a priest, or a girl and a donkey, or who knows, maybe a whole family, mom, dad, stepson and stepsister, dad doggying mom while mom eats out stepdaughter while stepdaughter blows stepbrother while stepbrother eats stepdad’s ass or whatever, who knows… anyway, you get the idea — typical talent agency shit, but, yeah, …porn. And it all usually ended up with Jimmy getting fucked or blown by someone, or all of them, but none of it was because these people HAD to do any of this shit in order to get a porn gig — hell, porn back then you just had to look pretty and show up half-sober or at least really high on blow; Jimmy just liked to see how far these people would go to get a gig. He liked to push the envelope. Sometimes a little too far.

Anyway, one day this older man and woman walk into Jimmy’s office with two younger men right behind them, all dressed in the same get-up, and Jimmy — ever the comedy buff — jumps up and jokes, “Before you take off your clothes, lemme guess, you’re The Aristocrats!”

And the older guy whips out his dick and starts jacking it off — just kidding, he whips out a warrant — and says, “No, we’re the FBI and you’re under arrest for child porn.”

And Jimmy says, “Is that all you got?”

True story.
Traci Lords.

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